DEPARTMENTS – September/October 2008

Horse Power

Trade that gas-guzzling SUV in for something more economical and stylish

By Larry Maddry

With oil prices going through the roof—and some Americans kneeling beside their gas pumps and seeking lower prices from God—it is not too early to ask a critical question: Will the mule replace the SUV?

Some animal experts believe it’s possible to keep a mule fed properly for $3 a day. An SUV devours that much in gas driving to the nearest mail drop.

True, the mule is fresh out of sun visors, DVD players, radios, TVs, and air conditioning.

And, alas, mules are not equipped with a GPS screen for navigating U.S. highways.

However, the mule has a pretty good memory, and once it becomes accustomed to the roads you take, say going to the supermarket and dry cleaners, it kinda walks the route without too much prompting.

Those of us who are driving hybrids or have already begun using the mule for transportation tend to resent the outrageous consumption of gas by large SUVs.

Even if you are rich and have so much money that you don’t care if gas goes to $20 a gallon because you can afford anything, you are driving up the price of gas for the rest of us.

In short, you need to get your butt out of the SUV and put it on the back of a mule!

Nearly every day I hear rich SUV owners say: “I’d like to get a mule for running small errands around my neighborhood. But I don’t know anything about mules, and I’m pre-occupied with the All-Bran 10-Day Challenge at the moment.”

No excuses puhleeez! Mules have been used throughout history for work, war, pleasure, and entertainment and there’s no reason why one won’t work for you.

And remember, no matter how large your family, there’s a wagon big enough to handle all of them and groceries. It’s a delightful transportation alternative. 

SUV owners sometimes tell me privately that they don’t think the mule is fashionable enough. They say it lacks the decor of a fancy sports utility with its jet console dashboard of fancy instruments. And, say, deluxe leather seats.

Maybe so. But the mule is inherently handsome and never more stylish or debonair in appearance than when tricked out in a hat. Truth be told, mules on the whole, are more handsome in hats than humans.

I don’t know exactly why this is so but it is. The average mule looks better in a hat than Bogart did wearing a hat—and trench coat!—in the movie Casablanca.

So get your mule now and get rid of that gas guzzler. And rest assured that no matter what the size or color—you’re gonna get a kick out of it.

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